The Beauty of Authentic Relationships

Are you being the “real you” in your relationship?

By Debra K | Posted September 3, 2013 |



Something strange happens when we meet someone new and feel those first tingles of romantic love.  We suck in our stomachs, make sure we always look our best and act in ways we think the object of our desire will admire – all in an effort to try and attract them to our most incredible self.  But, what happens when one day, after you’ve had this person in your life for a while, you realize you now just walk around in tee shirts, with no make-up and your hair is pulled up in some type of sloppy bun.  Were you lying when you took so much effort at first?  Was it a form of false advertising? These initial efforts most likely didn’t have bad intention you just wanted to be your best to win the affections of your heart’s desire.  While minor falseness is part of being human and life sometimes requires us to act in ways not natural, there are times when not being who we really are, can cause serious damage to ourselves and others.

Fear Based Sabotage
As we begin to navigate the dynamics of trying to be in close proximity with another person we quickly learn what parts of our ‘true’ self are not accepted by those we love?  When he says, “you’re too loud, too emotional, too messy…too whatever.” And if that negative judgment comes with some sort of punishment such as ignoring or confrontational behaviors, we are then faced with a decision; do we change these unacceptable parts of ourselves to earn the love we feel we need or do we continue on and bear the brunt of the discord?  An unrealized person can easily begin to show up the way they think others want, instead of how they really are.  Fear has a way of weaving its way into our relationships, even after they have stabilized a bit.  This glorious, magnificent being we were dying to attract at the beginning begins to find and poke those wounded areas long buried that when alone weren’t activated.  The difference being that now, we most likely have acquired a dependency on this other person or the situation.  So, those parts of you that are afraid of being unloved, abandoned and not seen begin to morph your behaviors so you can become acceptable and someone you are not.

The Helpful Self-Saboteur 
Another way we show up in our relationships as someone we are not is when we adapt ourselves to accommodate someone’s perceived deficits; a co-dependent function of dimming your light to help others.  For example, if you are with someone whose level of personal development is not as high as your own, you might find you hold back on deeper level conversation and only talk about things they are comfortable with.  This form of sabotage can happen too if the person you have chosen to be in relationship with has a specific issue such as depression, alcoholism or an illness.  Because you want to care for them in some way, you find yourself becoming less than in order to accommodate their dysfunction.  For example, “I won’t exercise as much, because she can’t even get out of the bed – or – I better stay around the house instead of going out with friends because she has no friends – or – why should I bother eating healthy when he smokes and drinks and gripes about what I make?”  Even though, this form of false representation is founded in good intention, eventually the parts you are masking begin to rebel against the situation in which you are not being your authentic self.

Iyanla Vanzant paraphrased a Course in Miracles when she said, “When you give to others to the degree that you sacrifice yourself, you make the other person a thief.”  To add on to this, when this happens there is a tendency to resent the other person.  We willingly make these choices to not show up as we are and then get ticked when the other person, often unknowingly, allowed us to do so.  We get mad because eventually we realize we have put so much effort into being who we are not, that we have lost ourselves and everyone just sat around and let it happen.  How dare they!

Some thoughts on how to be more authentic starting today

  1. Identify those areas in your relationship where you are not being yourself:   If you have been with someone for a while there is most likely a bit of angst built up in these areas.  These phrases might help – “I don’t do _______ because he/she doesn’t like it. I stopped doing this because I was afraid he/she would react badly. He/She always gets their way when it comes to _____.  I pretend I don’t care about ______ because it might hurt them if they knew I did.”
  2. Rephrase your thinking:  When sabotaging thoughts surface, try and rephrase them.  Instead of “he will think it is a waste of money if I sign up for this art class” Determine if signing up for the art class is something you believe would be fulfilling and then do it.
  3. If you have thoughts that another will find you (unattractive, unlovable, unreasonable) when you do something, check-in internally and see if you can find within yourself the support you need for these fears.   “I am ok if this doesn’t sit well with her because this is me, being myself and I am able to show up for myself in this way.”
  4. Recognize that most often it is not someone else’s fault:  The saboteur does not usually seek to destroy others.  The saboteur seeks to destroy the self, to become inauthentic so the other does not do what we most fear.  The fear there because we have not learned to fulfill this particular need for ourselves yet.
  5. Imagine the peace if you and your partner can achieve a level of self-development where you can stand before each other and say, “I relinquish from you any responsibility to make me happy, to make me whole or to fill a void I have in my life.”
  6. And finally, this quote from the book Oneness by Rasha sums it up nicely, “Only give to the point where what you are offering is given without expectation of a return.  If you are to give, give freely.  This allows you to maintain ownership of yourself and frees others to be as they are without the bond of expectation in the middle.  You will never experience disappointment if you do not hold faulty expectations of something outside yourself.”

I say to you, Be Brave!  To experience true bliss you must fully and authentically be yourself.  When you find the courage to do this, it’s important to trust you will attract those drawn to your light and be ok with pissing off the rest.

Join the movement to address our nation’s top health concerns…naturally


Find Debra K on Facebook and  Twitter, or watch the pilot episode of the Journey into Wellbeing.


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